Humor Bank
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
Somebody has said there are
only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good morning Lord," And there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he
found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this
block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not
into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who
got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and
bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not step in
exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...
"
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister
chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of
the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do
you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do
know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's
easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
Sunday
after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The
daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say,
the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the
Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be
not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of
how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they
were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to
find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at
the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play."Here's a copy of
the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to
play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the
minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the
roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.Any of
you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the
substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the
substitute became the regular organist!
The 2004th Psalm
[according to a contemporary version!]
Recreation is my shepherd, I shall not stay home; it maketh me to lie
down in a sleeping bag; it leadeth me down the interstate each
weekend. It restoreth my suntan; it leadeth me to state parks for
comfort's sake. Even though I stray on the Lord's Day, I will
fear no reprimand, for I am relaxed; my rod and my reel they comfort
me. I annointest my skin with oil, my gas tank runneth dry;
surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends of the summer, and I
shall return to the House of the Lord this fall. But by then it
will be hunting season, and that's another psalm.
- Zion Evangelical Congregational Church. Mohnton, PA
Some thoughts on Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back,
It was never yours to being with.
But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to
realize that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
From A Child's Point of View
"A little girl became restless as the pastor's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy,
if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
(from Anthony de Mello's book Taking Flight)
A
man took his new hunting dog out on a trial hunt. Presently he
shot a duck that fell into the lake. The dog walked over the
water, picked up the duck, and brought it to his master.
The man
was flabbergasted! He shot another duck. Once again, while
he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, the dog walked over the water and
retrieved the duck.
Hardly daring to believe what he had seen,
he called his neighbor for a shoot the following day. Once again,
each time he or his neighbor hit a bird, the dog would walk over the
water and bring the bird in. The man said nothing. Neither
did his neighbor. Finally, unable to contain himself any longer,
he blurted out, "Did you notice anything strange about that dog?"
The
neighbor rubbed his chin pensively. "Yes," he finally said. "Come to think of it, I did! The son of a gun can't swim!"
It
isn't as if life is not full of miracles. It's more than that: it
is miraculous, and anyone who stops taking it for granted will see it
at once.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless
What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove
Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard
throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were
all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
groan
5 Real Road (corner of Stockdale & Real)
Bakersfield, CA 93309
Phone: 661-327-1609
FAX: 661-327-4443
Sunday Services & Church School: 10 AM
(Services last about an hour, dress is casual)
Nursery care available
E-mail: firstcong(at)postoffice.igalaxy.net
Webpage editor: dinah.campbell(at)gmail.com)
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